I wish I'd said that!/I wish i'd said that too!/More things I wish I'd said - And some I wish hadn't [antikvár]

May I have tomorrow off, sir? I should like to attend my mother-in-law's funeral. So should 1. A local soap-manufacturer plastered the town, at great expense, with posters which read ''Buy X^s soap' Overnight, someone added 'Ifyou can't get Y's' A bishop who had just had new dentures made for him was invited by the dentist to look in the mirror. He did so, and immediately exclaimed, 'Christ!', then again at the top of his voice, 'Christ!'. Shocked and dismayed, the dentist asked what was wrong. The bishop turned to him, beaming. 'Wrong, my boy?' he said. 'Nothing's wrong. Owing to your skilled work, I can now, for the first time in ten years, pronounce the name of Our Lord without whistling.' An elderly cockney woman was telling a friend about an altercation she had had with a neighbour. 'And what did you say then?' asked the friend. '/ hep' me dignity,' was the reply. ' ''Pig" I ses, and swep' out.' The Reverend Dr Spooner (the originator of 'spoonerisms') was visiting some friends and was shown into the drawing-room, where a little black kitten was sitting on the table washing itself. Spooner approached the table with the intention of stroking the kitten, but it took fright, jumped off the table and fled. At this moment the lady of the house entered and, after an exchange of greetings, Spooner said that he had found the household kitten sitting on the table and had tried to make friends with it without success. 'When I tried to stroke it,' he said, 'it popped on its drawers and ran out of the room.' At a dinner party Dr Spooner was asked by his hostess what dish he would like next. '/ thinks he said, '/ should like a little of that stink puff.' At a formal sherry party at Oxford, a lady with the imposing name of Ironside-Bax saw Dr Spooner, whom she knew, in conversation with a Professor whom she wished to meet. She accordingly approached Spooner and asked to be introduced. 'Certainly, dear lady,' said Spooner. 'Professor, I should like you to meet a friend of mine, Mrs Iron Backside.' Introduction by Frank Muir Dick Bentley (lab. assistant to mad scientist): Sir, the bunsen-burner won't work. What shall I do with it? Jimmy Edwards (mad scientist): I have an old retort here! Antique joke from the ancient radio show 'Take it From Here' written by Frank Muir and Denis Norden Old retorts, as a form of wit, are considerably more ancient than even 'Take It From Here', going back at least as far as Aristotle, who defined wit as 'educated insult'. The warm glow of satisfaction, the agreeable sense of heightened self-esteem, which accompanies getting off a good riposte has for centuries been one of mankind's favourite forms of ego-inflation. We have, for a splendid second, downed the opposition.