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Scene i
The Kingdom of Joe Derby (my room). Sunday morning.
ACTION:
'Joe, are you awake? It's your mother.'
And who else would be knocking on my door at this time on a Sunday morning?
I groan loudly, rolling over on to my second-in-command, who farts and licks my face. Words can't describe the sobering effect of his breath. It's my dog, Rover, by the way, who's a long-haired dachshund (in case you were wondering). He's equal best mates with my other best mate, Merlin Labardia.
'What are you doing in there, it's nearly midday. There's someone on the phone - a young lady, I think. Are you going to come down?'
I try to use my voice, but only a sort of wheezy squeak comes out.
'Could you take a number. Mum?'
Let me explain my less than perfect condition. Last night I went to Merlin's mum and dad's eighteenth wedding anniversary party. Sounds boring, eh? WRONG! Boring it certainly was not. So NOT, that I spent most of the evening snogging a fab-looking girl, then managed to force down a few lagers, and ended up sleeping on the floor next to Merlin's 'welcome' skeleton. Luckily for me,
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