The Chimney Sweeper's Boy [antikvár]

He wanted a family of his own. He was very young when he understood this, fifteen or sixteen. Because he was accustomed, even then, to examining his thoughts and searching his soul, he corrected himself, deciding that what he wanted was a family to add to his existing family. Children of his own. He imagined giving his brothers and sisters children to love and giving his children uncles and aunts. His dream encompassed them all living together somewhere, in a big house, the kind they had never known. He was old enough to know how unlikely this was. A little later on he understood that it is not acceptable for men to feel like this. Few men do. Women want children and men agree. Or if men want children it is to carry on a name or inherit a business. He wanted them because he loved being one of many and wanted to add to that number. Friends were not very important in their lives. Why have fnends when you have family? Many things he felt and thought were not acceptable among men. Not right for a man. For instance, if he were to found that family a woman would be a prerequisite. He knew the pattern, how it should be. He must meet a girl and fall in love, court her, become engaged to her, marry her. It seemed insurmountably difficult. He liked girls but not in that way. Without knowing much, he knew what he meant by 'that way', kissing, touching, all the things they talked about endlessly, monotonously, at school. Those others longed to do such things to girls, some said they had, but he clearly understood that for him to do it, even to get to the point of doing it, would be an endurance test, a labour comparable to taking an exam in French, his worst subject, or taking part in a hated cross-country run. How did he also know that it would not be the real thing? Gerald Candless, Less is More