Whip Hand [antikvár]

Prologue I dreamed 1 was riding in a race. Nothing odd in that. I'd ridden in thousands. There were fences to jump. There were horses, and jockeys in a rainbow of colours, and miles of green grass. There were massed banks of people, with pink oval faces, indistinguishable pink blobs from where I crouched in the stirrups, galloping past, straining with speed. Their mouths were open, and although I could hear no sound I knew they were shouting. Shouting my name, to make me win. Winning was all. Winning was my function. What I was there for. What I wanted. What 1 was born for. In the dream, 1 won the race. The shouting turned to cheering, and the cheering lifted me up on its wings, like a wave. But the winning was all, not the cheering. I woke in the dark, as I often did, at four m the morning. There was silence. No cheering. Just silence. I could still feel the way I'd moved with the horse, the ripple of muscle through both of the striving bodies, uniting in one. I could still feel the irons round my feet, the calves of my legs gripping, the balance, the nearness to my head of the stretching brown neck, the mane blowing in my mouth, my hands on the reins. There came, at that point, the second awakening. The real one. The moment in which I first moved, and opened my eyes, and remembered that I wouldn't ride any more races, ever. The wrench of loss came again as a fresh grief. The dream was a dream for whole men. I dreamed it quite often. Damned senseless thing to do. Living, of course, was quite different. One discarded dreams, and got dressed, and made what one could of the day.